Carrying the burden

I had a rough day yesterday. Just need to type some things out. This will sound crazy, sorry. I think I was just feeling kind of alone... had been reading the blog of a wonderful woman whose baby had been taken to heaven at birth due to many health problems. I was struck by the outpouring of support and love shown. I teared up at the pictures of them holding their sweet, tiny baby girl. I felt so touched by the strength of this woman and family, and their faith and outreach even in this time.

Here is where it gets crazy... I was jealous. I was jealous that they got to see their baby. I was jealous that they knew in advance and had time to process the loss. I was jealous that so many supported and loved them. I was jealous of the time that she carried their baby. Sick, right? I know that they and others have gone through SO much walking the path that they did, and really I would never want to and am pretty sure I would not carry that cross so well. I cried for them, I hurt for them... but I was also jealous.

You see, when your babies die so very young that you barely know they were there and there is not a body to see and hold - it is kind of overlooked. I hate the word "miscarriage" - like misprint or misinformed or mistake - like I missed, I somehow carried in error. God does not make mistakes. My babies very, very short lives were for a reason and I love them just the same. But nobody talks about them, remembers them, even my husband had forgotten about one of them, my sweet Sera. It hurts and it feels very, very alone.

The other thing is my infertility. I just feel so very burdened by it and the weight of it struck me last night. I cried and cried... just have to do that sometimes, you know?

But now I have to take it to the cross, I need to go to God and ask for His help in carrying it. I know that He is able to completely remove my reproach, in this very instant if He so chooses, but He may ask me to carry it with His help a while longer. It is part of His sovereign plan, and I accept it and I love Him for what He has done and what He will do and what He is doing that I cannot and may not see or understand. God doesn't change and He is good!