Sera Aaliyah came and was gone, so quickly... but it still hurt so much. My "heavenly ascender" would have been 3 months old now, but instead I am remembering the anniversary of when we lost our 5th baby (3 living, 2 gone). Tomorrow Will turns 4 years old and the ache in my heart has not lessened... it grows more as the children grow and the fewer "rocking days" I get and the less they need me physically. I love them so much and I am so thankful for the blessings from God that they are and the joy that they bring to their daddy and I.
Yet, it still brings a lump to my throat and instant tears to my eyes to think of not having another child grow within me... to feel that special "specialness", to feel so blessed to be chosen... to feel the stirrings of life from within... to be nauseous in the mornings... to be achey and swollen and hot... to wake at night to hiccups rocking my belly... to feel the first exercises of the womb muscles... to savor the practice contractions... to anticipate labor... to realize it is "time"... to go so far within myself that only God can talk to me... to labor and work so hard... to reach for that slippery body and snuggle it warm against me... to feel that first suckle at the breast... see the first eye openings... first smile... all the firsts that mamas treasure so much. I am not ready to be done with that! I didn't appreciate them enough, I didn't know...
I pray daily for understanding and contentment and peace and answers, and trust to follow Christ blindly, to turn to Him alone, and to want most of all the purpose of God in my life, not my own.
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